Photo by ashoe
Sorry for the paucity of postings lately. Between still unpacking from our move and recently being assigned jury duty, stuff’s been crazy, yo.

So, I am letting the rest of the internet do the work for me today. Behold, Topless Robot’s most excellent list of “14 Incredibly Disturbing Moments in Kids’ Movies (Besides the Entirety of E.T.)“.

Some of these are scenes we have already covered, but really, can you get too much of Bambi’s mother’s assassination?

This one came back to me in a rush just today. I had the most vivid flashback while posting to a forum and I shivered. Turning to my wife I ask “Do you remember the frog mask death scene from Dr. Phibes?” I swear to you, she screamed and ran to the other room with a hasty “I don’t want to talk about that!” I had my next Scarred for Life subject.

I don’t remember when I saw the Vincent Price 1971 horror classic “The Abominable Dr Phibes” but I was very young. Thinking back on it there are many scarring moments that stand out but none as much as the frog mask murder! I could feel it as I watched, stuck in that mask, unable to make anyone understand you needed help, unable to draw breath, and most of all UNABLE TO GET IT OFF!

If you don’t know the movie let me give you a bit of set-up. Phibes is out for revenge. One of the guys he wants dead goes to a costume ball. Phibes has beautiful frog mask sent, anonymously, to the ball for this man. The collar of this helmet mask auto-tightens. You can guess the rest or watch the clip, fast forward about 4.5 minutes to find this scene…

If that doesn’t make you want to see this flick then you should know he eats and drinks from a hole in the SIDE OF HIS NECK! Creepy shit people…crrreeeeeppy…

While I was a little older (about 10) when I saw this one, on cable, it was still horrifying! Ridley Scott’s work was masterful and it delivered one of the best scares of the 70′s. As was the case for most of my preteen years, I had to sneak out after bedtime and watch this alone and in the dark…unable to scream as that would mean parent trouble. In the flickering ambient glow of my friend, the TV, I learn new folds of terror at Ridley’s hands. From the face hugger’s grab to the very bloody chest explosion and on, the dread just kept building. Then the barest of visual hints of the creature and…WTF! THAT DUDES HEAD EXPLODED!! WHERE THOSE TEETH?! I did bite my tongue and tasted blood…In space, no one can hear you scream.

Scarring victim Patrick writes:

My father took me to see The Mouse and his Child when I was five. I do not have good memories of this film. Put simply, it scared the shit out of me. It was also incredibly sad, at least to my five year old mind. By the end of the film, I was mortified. I couldn’t get it out of my mind either. My dad’s only comment afterwards was “Well, that stunk.” 33 years later I managed to find it, in it’s entirety, on youtube and tried watching it. I lasted about ten minutes. It really was that creepy. Here’s the link, if you dare:

Wow. I have never heard of this film (or book, for that matter), but after watching just the opening credits I am already creeped out. The description on Wikipedia makes this sound like a tour de force of horror:

The child mouse proposes staying at the shop to form a family, which the other toys ridicule. After falling from a counter and becoming broken, they are thrown in the trash. Outside, they become enslaved by Manny the Rat, who runs a casino in the city dump and uses broken wind-up toys as his slave labor force. With the aid of a psychic frog, the mice escape and meet various animal characters on a quest of becoming free and independent “self-winding” toys. They rediscover the elephant and seal, who are somewhat broken down, and manage to form a family and destroy the rat empire.

What. The. Hell.

Sounds like a cross between AI and a bad trip I once had… and by bad trip, I mean the time I drove through rural Missouri… yeah, that’s it.

This image, culled from the excellent blog, My First Fail, reminded my of the single most scarring thing in my childhood, other than accidentally seeing my grandfather naked. Seriously, the man had legs like a bird and a belly like he was 9 months pregnant… eek.

The Exorcist

I read this book at an early age. It was the first book I had the keep in the laundry basket in the hall at night, lest it somehow come to life and get me. This was made worse by the fact we had Showtime (back when cable was new and you had that goofy box with the big dial on the tv) and previews for the film were being shown constantly. All it took was hearing Mercedes McCambridge bellowing in that ad for me to sink into a near catatonic state of terror. Compounding the issue further, I was severely asthmatic as a child (always have been what you might call an “indoor kid”), and the wheezing rattle of demonically-enhanced Regan McNeil reminded of that horrid drowning feeling a real nasty asthma attack brings with it.

I saw a midnight showing of the re-release in the theatre years ago with some friends. They said when the new “crab baby” scene came on I sank in my seat, my eyes tripled in size, and my mouth shrank to something resembling a cat’s anus. I wasn’t ready for that. I literally had to sit in my car for 15 minutes, rocking back and forth like William Hurt in “Alter States” trying to cast the image out of my head so I was steady enough to drive home alone at 3am. I almost crashed my car when I thought the reflection of a street light on the passenger window was THAT FACE from the movie. ARGH! I just had to look at it to get that link! AHHHHHH! *runs around office flapping hands maniacally and shuddering*

I have forced myself to watch it several times, but I still freak out just seeing a screen cap from the film (see above). I dreaded writing this post, knowing I would have to track down images and clips. I seriously tried to muster the courage to hunt for a clip… but I really can’t do it. Google it yourself. Bear in mind, I am not a shrinking violet. I love horror movies. This just hits me at the core of my being.

This isn’t so much my scar as it is my mother’s. My mom (pictured above, with my grandparents in the back ground. She’s going to kill me for publishing that photo.) was the WORST person to watch any remotely sad movie with. She would sob uncontrollably at the drop of a hat at the oddest things. Don’t even ask about the time we saw Bambi in the theater with her. I only have vague memories of Rankin-Bass’ “Here comes Peter Cottontail“, but I remember my mother sitting at the faux-wood formica dining room table, weeping like Kennedy had been assassinated at the scene where Antoine the Caterpillar is left behind. I have been struggling for years to track down this movie and finally found some really crappy youtube footage. Upon review… my mother is insane. But then I knew that already. Embedding is blocked, so here is a link to the video. Abandonment issues start at about the 8:25 mark.

Ah, Rankin-Bass, on par only with the Muppets for fearsome childhood fare. Mad Monster Party was one of those films you saw as a kid and promptly blocked from your memory, only to have it later emerge in vague snippets. What was that? Was that real or did I dream it? Phyllis Diller?!? I was in my late 20s when someone was FINALLY able to put a name to this film for me. I haven’t seen it since I was a child, but I remember that of all the monsters in the the castle, Phyllis Diller was by far the scariest thing.

There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing
Or which way the river’s flowing
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes! The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing!

I LOVED Willie Wonka when I was a kid. Still do. While I have never considered myself a purist when it comes to most media (remakes or “reboots” can be valid reinterpretations of any work), I think Tim Burton overestimated his abilities when he took on this classic. The biggest disappointment? The lame boat ride scene that took the place of this completely Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moment from the original film. I mean SERIOUSLY?? FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS, THEY DECAPITATED A FREAKIN’ CHICKEN! I remember freaking out about the centipede and my father trying to comfort me with the weak explanation that it was actually just a licorice rope. Uh huh. Sure.

Thank you for traveling with Jeffrey Dahmer Cruise Lines, where comfort is King!

I know it’s been a while since my last post but you should know I’m still around and still scarred.  I’ve shared some of my most memorable ones with you and as the years rolled by I found myself less and less affected by the things that would have scarred me in younger times.  This is, I think, a natural part of growing older.  But enough about me, here’s one I dodged.

In 1986 this little gem, The Adventures of Mark Twain, smashed the hopes and dreams of children across the nation.  It promised happy-go-lucky fun filled adventure with the likes of Tom Sawyer but delivered Satan!  Luck me, I missed it.  Here is the clip about Satan and I believe it cuts to the creepy chase…

“Life itself is only a vision.  A dream.  Nothing exist save empty space and you…and you are but a thought.”  Wow…I guess if you hate children the thing to do is make a kid’s film!