Sure, we’ve all heard of the common phobias such as claustrophobia, the fear of closed-in places, or acrophobia, the fear of heights. In fact, we all have fears; some people have more fears than others and some are severe while others are mild.
Some fears are completely unjustified,but if you say you don’t have any fears, then perhaps one thing you’re afraid of is telling the truth!
So, we’ve established that fears are normal; however, there are some individuals that are afraid of some not-so-normal things. Sure, there are some strange phobias out there, but none stranger than that of things that don’t exist.
Ah, Little House on the Prairie! Man, I loved that show as a kid! Seriously, some of the best kid’s drama on tv. The stories were melodramatic, the morality was black and white, and everyone got to play dress up. However, every once in a while, a story came along that was so fucked up and so creepy that even your parents needed a nightlight to scare away the masked rapist or anthrax outbreak. I assure you, this is only the first of many entries to come from the world of Half Pint.
But who can for get the 1974 episode “The Raccoon“? Laura receives the best gift a child can get, a RACCOON. Have you ever met a raccoon? Where I live, they own the night like street gangs, roaming in packs, knocking over garbage cans, killing house pets, raping old women, and running guns to Al Quaeda. They are what inspired Grand Theft Auto. (All kidding aside, at one point I was held hostage in my car for about 20 minutes by a pair of raccoons who reacted in a rather “excited” fashion when I tried to open the car door. They took their sweet time to swagger off, looking for some crimes to do. Perhaps eating sushi and not paying? But I digress…)
So, yeah, turns out Jasper the “Rakuza” might just have contracted the rabies, and Pa might just have to put a lead slug between his furry, beady, soulless little eyes. Oh, and did I mention that the little fiend has already bitten both Laura and her beloved dog?
My 5th grade teacher read this book to us out loud every day after lunch. What a bastard. The story of a boy and his prize winning coon hounds who end up being eviscerated by a mountain. lion. The dogs, not the boy. The description of the backwoods surgery his mother performs to try and save the dogs is totally gag inducing and far worse than had the dog been killed outright by the lion. I hear they made a movie out of this book… twice. I have NO plans to see either one.
So you’re watching Sesame Street, right? If you were a kid like me, growing up in the frigid North lands (because one character class always hails from the frigid North lands), you were probably watching it after school in the late afternoon, when the sun sets at 4pm in deepest winter. Maybe mom was in the other room cooking dinner, and you hadn’t turned on the light yet, seeing as you were so engrossed in what your muppety friends were up to and hadn’t noticed the encroaching gloom that now surrounds you in the rec room. Suddenly, and without warning, the television springs to life with a jarring, unnatural sound! Neon bright letters that look like the distorted faces of a madman’s nightmare multiply and writhe on screen, and in an instant are gone. You bolt from the room, trying to seek solace in the kitchen, with mother, where all is safe and warm… only to find that tonight all that awaits you is meatloaf. Again.
It is then that you know in the pit of your soul, there is no god.
What’s with the books/movies/tv shows about some poor kid having to confront their furry best friend gettin’ the hydrophoby? As I sat to write this post, I managed to call to mind so many of them that I wasn’t sure I could post them all! So let’s start with the most obvious choice, Old Yeller. if you don’t know the plot to Old Yeller, you were raised in a cave on a diet of lichen and shame. Basically, hillbilly boy adopts dog, dog becomes rabid, boy has to execute dog with extreme prejudice in order to become a “man. Couldn’t some on have just given him an electric razor and a condom for his wallet instead? Rather than subject you to actual footage of this vile act, I will give you a dramatic reenactment for your pleasure.
In 1978 a TV movie was made based on the Dr. Strange comic book. I only remember two scenes and one of them was a bit disturbing for a 7-year-old. The one that bothered me was this huge shadowy thing with glowing eyes. This clip shows that scene about a minute and thirty seconds in. Take a moment, enjoy those 70′s effects!
Imagine my surprise to find the entire movie on youtube. Seeing this again after 30+ years was funny and little sad.
In 1981 this little gem aired (as far as I know) nation wide. While the story is horrible what really got to me were the people. I grew up in the country, around fellas like this. While most are ok people, more then a few…well…if gray matter was pennies, they wouldn’t have two ta rub together. It proves the idea that the best (most frightening) monsters are humans.
As a child, TV delivered the world to me and was my near constant companion. One Saturday afternoon my friend, the TV, showed me “The Last Man on Earth” staring Vincent Price. What really resonated for me were things like the burning pit and the bodies on the road and Vincent Price running about driving wooden stakes in to anyone he found.
On a side note, of the three movies based on the story “I am Legend” this one is the truest to the story.
There is a scene in “The Hand” (1981) in which a traffic accident culminates in Michael Caine’s character losing his hand. I found that moment, when the hand flies free, to be more the a little disturbing. Sadly, I can not find the clip I wanted for this post so the trailer will have to do.
When the subject of Bambi comes up, I don’t know of anyone that doesn’t think of Bambi’s mom. As a child, it was the kind of thing that tears your heart out. Even as an adult we are not completely immune. So here it is…
