As I mentioned, we went to the Holocaust Memorial I appreciate that they call it a memorial to the murdered Jewish people of Europe. The choice of the word murdered feels deliberate. These weren’t just the victims of war, they were murdered. Six million people. Men, women, children. The memorial is very disorienting. It’s hundreds of large stone slabs the shape of coffins, all different heights and angels. You walk between them and they start out small and grow until they tower over you. You can’t see anyone . I realized at one point I had lost Elliott, and while I could get back to where we started I didn’t know how to find him. Without a phone I could realistically lose him. Then the light bulb went on. That was the intended effect. While in the memorial you feel lost, isolated, surrounded by death. It’s actually very subtle, and that makes it more chilling. What really killed me was when I came upon a ladybug on one of the stones. She was the lone speck of color, a bright drop of red in a sea of gray. I instantly recalled the nursery rhyme“ Ladybug ladybug, fly away home. Your house is on fire, your children are alone…

I had to leave after that.

I am beginning to enjoy waking up with the city. The S-Bahn makes this huge rumbling sound as it goes through Rosenthaler Platz. Because we are so far north (Berlin is at about the same latitude as Calgary) the sun starts to rise around 4am, but it takes a long time before it is actually light. I woke up famished this morning because I had neglected to eat dinner after downing a massive dönar kebap for lunch, so I cobbled together a breakfast of fried potatoes and pork out of what we had in the mini fridge. I am learning that with butter, garlic, and soy sauce you can make anything taste good.

I tried my hand at drawing some of the things I saw yesterday at the Tiergarten. I am actually pleased with how they turned out. They aren’t great works of art by any stretch, but I managed to express myself decently. I took some video, made some notes, etc. I won’t be able to ID most things until I get my phone up and working, but I did find a hazelnut tree, birch trees, and I think I heard some hoopoes. There are these really pretty blue flowers everywhere, I need to find out what those are. Germans seem to love the outdoors. The parks are always full every time we come across them, and there are parks EVERYWHERE. Seriously, every few blocks there is at least a small park. I find it interesting that the parks near our house seem to be pretty clean, but the ones near the tourist centers are full of garbage. Although most of Berlin shows the constant wear and tear of being Europe’s non-stop Mardi Gras (to Ibiza’s 24/7 Spring Break) Germans actually seem to care about their city. The pervasiveness of graffiti isn’t the sign of neglect that we consider it in the States. We see graffiti, we think vandalism, but Germans seem to view it as expression. This isn’t really a clean city, it’s filled with broken bottles, vomit, condoms, and strangely enough confetti. However I have yet to see the human excrement that was a pervasive part of the Los Angeles landscape. I will also say that in spite of the fact that people can legally walk down the street drinking beer, I have seen very little public drunkenness.

This has been kind of a dreadful day. We gave up on Lycamobile and went down the street to get our sim cards at an O2 store. Now we have some data, but the actual phones don’t work and the connection is slow as fuck. I am convinced the washing machine is actually just broken, which leaves us in a world of shit. Laundromats aren’t a thing here, and none of our sinks is big enough to wash our clothes in. After banging on the thing for an hour I just sank to the floor and sobbed in the hall in despair. Nothing has worked right since we got here, and no matter how positive I have tried to be it’s just getting shittier. I’ve tried laughing at our misfortune, but the fact of the matter is I am horribly depressed and really really just want to go home. We are supposed to get internet tomorrow, but I guarantee something will go wrong and we will end up stuck without internet for an extended period of time, effectively ruining my chance to do my schoolwork. At the end of this trip I will have spent our life savings and will have nothing to show for it but debt and bad memories. Perhaps this all sounds petty, but I spent my husband’s and my entire life savings on this, I have work to do, and people are counting on me. Traveling when you have Multiple Sclerosis is hard and takes a lot of extra work and consideration. I already had my time pretty tightly budgeted, now I am behind. There is a lot of fear and stress to traveling while disabled, and I really don’t need anything adding to it.